Acts 9:5 And he said Who art thou, Lord? And the Lord said, I am Jesus whom thou persecutest: it is hard for thee to kick against the pricks.

The last phrase of this bible verse has been coming to my mind lately. I have been seriously struggling with motherhood the past couple of weeks. Life has been hard with my three little birds. This is my own fault. I’ve been to do my own agenda with little regard to what Finley and Eleanor need from me. The results of this selfishness on my part have been exhausting.

Toddlers are not the most reasonable to begin with, but when they are happy it makes life easier. Ok so I’m not saying I need to give in to their every whim. I have been slacking lately in several areas that I believe are essential to happy children: they need attention, consistent meals and snacks, teaching them, creative play.

Basically in trying to barely get by with the bare minimum with the kids, I’m making things soo hard for myself.

On thinking about why all the madness and crying and yelling was happening, I’ve come to a life changing conclusion and the solution is so obvious. I need to fill myself up before I can take care of my kids. Most nights I go to sleep exhausted and in the mornings I’m awoken by the kids waking me up. It hasn’t always been this way and I’m trying to give myself grace. I’m nursing Jake and he really just likes to be held most of the time. I’m not always eating as properly as I should be and I get few breaks to just be by myself and think straight.

But, and this is the biggest thing, I’m not reading my bible. Sure I start to read it but then I stop. My own selfish wants (Instagram) get in my way. I know if I start to consistently read, then I’ll truly be taking care of myself. By filling up my cup first, I can pour into other’s cups. Specifically and most importantly, I can fill up my family’s cups.

Life is hard right now because I spend all my time taking care of our physical needs and I am failing to take care of our spiritual needs. At the beginning of the year, I decided my phrase for the year will be “choose joy.” Since then, I saw a photo of this phrase where someone had crossed out the word joy and wrote “Jesus” under it. I love this! It’s so true because my joy does come from Jesus and apart from him I’m going to fail to be joyful.

I feel like we kind of need a reset. We all seem to be out of sorts and just fussy in general. Sometimes I feel as if the kids are only happy when I’m holding them or just sitting on the couch with them and I really don’t want that. A reset would be good for us all around.

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